We Didn’t Start the Fire: For My 18-Year-Old Son, Advice I Never Got

Last summer, I had to write about saying goodbye to my mom and I talked about a lifetime the two of us shared of hard goodbyes. Well, it’s summer again and I’m about a week away from sending my original BFF west to start an entire new life with his father. I think I’d be less tender if this was a moving in the dorm, starting college kind of situation…but it’s not. I mean, he is, but he’s also literally moving-moving and the next time he steps inside my house, it will no longer be his permanent residence and fucking hell, somebody medicate me. 

As I do with any monumental change, I’ve panicked and lived inside my own head the last few weeks and in this godawful internal monologue, I go over and over the really hard things I wish someone had told me all those years when I left El Paso and headed east. Not the cliche “live your passion” bullshit slogans we call advice…the real advice. 

I figure I’d write them down in case he needs to hear them again someday. Or maybe in case I need to remind myself. Or maybe you need a reminder. 

However it happens, here are five things I wished I’d learned at 18 (or at least somewhere in those first two decades of adulthood).

My Dearest Boy Wonder (yes, Dom, I’ve called you that since you were three days old),

Congrats, my man. You did it. Despite my best attempts to keep you young and squishy forever and ever, you went and turned 18, graduated high school and now you’re ready for the next chapter. I’m so proud of you and I know you’ll do great, but just in case, I thought maybe I could spare you five really hard lessons that took me fucking forever to learn. If I can save you the heartburn of having to learn even one of these the hard way, my guy, this endeavor will have been a success.

So without further ado, and in no particular order, here we go.

Idealism Can Ruin Reality 

This one is the WORST. If you’re anything like me, and you are, new jobs, new relationships, new cities, new apartments always start out with so much optimism. Like, gallons and gallons of fucking optimism and pretty visions in your goofy little head about how amazing the new hours will be (they’ll literally be the BEST hours ever), how amazing this new relationship will be (literally the BEST relationship ever), how amazing the new view will be (literally the BEST views ever). And shit man, yes, there are so many times when they will be the BEST ever. But you’ve got to be prepared that you’ll still get burned out, your partner will snore and drive you goddamn crazy with it, and the  amazing apartment will have bullshit neighbors above you who like to thrash to death metal at midnight. 

All I’m saying is to be prepared for things to let you down and have a lot of grace about it. You win the game if you can take a hit of disappointment and STILL be really excited about it, you know? Learn from someone who let idealism ruin entire experiences when it was more real life than my imaginary life. Real life sucks a lot, but it’s also pretty magical if you allow it to be both.

So, like, allow it to be both magical and bullshit and you’ll be just fine, okay? Okay. As your stepdad is always trying to tell me, allow each day, each person, each job, each experience to show up how it is and react accordingly. 

You’ll Be the Bad Guy in Someone’s Story 

This is really where I hope you learn early and learn it well (something I couldn’t do)--you’re going to be someone’s nightmare at some point thanks to some decision, some action, some moment in time where you act purely out of selfish motivation and you’re going to break someone’s heart. It’s an awful feeling and, again, I hope you learn much, much earlier than I did that when people (friends and relationships) trust you with their heart, it’s a grace and a blessing that deserves so much more than bullshit selfish decisions.

 And living with the fact that you’ve really hurt someone who didn’t deserve it? It can take a long time and a lot of therapy to move past if it damages your own self worth and self confidence.

When I was a dreamy, zit-faced teenager who watched too many John Hughes movies, I always saw myself as the Molly Ringwald character who was kind, considerate, sorta clueless but totally a-dork-able…you get it. Turns out, at certain points in the movie of my own life, I’ve managed to be more Steff McKee in “Pretty in Pink”  and less Andie Walsh and ugh, it’s just a gross feeling altogether. Skip this lesson entirely if you can. 

Sidenote: if you have no idea what I’m talking about when I talk about “Pretty in Pink,” please do me a favor and watch it immediately. You’ll learn a lot about me. I wanted to be Andie, was really more like Duckie Dale most of my life and these insecurities turned me into a Steff McKee in a few relationships and friendships. Ugh. Gross. Just gross.

If you do happen to step right it in and you’re beating yourself up wondering what the fuck do to with yourself now that your a villain, just remember what Zangief said in “Wreck it Ralph” (finally a fine literature quote I’m sure you’ll get…) “And I say, Zangief, you are bad guy, but you are not BAD guy.” Fuckups are going to happen. Just understand your role, your why, and do better next time. 

The Key to All Relationships (romantic, platonic, professional, familial) is Managing Expectations

This was the least sexy lesson I learned and it came from the most boring two-day professional workshop a job forced me to take when you were in first grade. God, it was so mind numbing and painful I still twitch when I hear the word “stakeholder.”

But the nugget about expectations has stuck with me ever since. The gist is that the basis of all conflict in our interpersonal relationships comes down to mismatched or unaligned expectations. Maybe in a friendship you need more space but your friend needs more face-to-face time. Conflict. If you’re in a job and your boss expects regular overtime and you expect to have your nights and weekends to yourself? Conflict. Your parents expect to hear from you at least once a week but you’re more of a twice a month person? Hurt feelings… and eventual conflict. 

You can’t avoid all conflict and trust me, coming from someone who gets stomach cramps from conflict, this is a big deal. But if you understand your own expectations in personal relationships and you do the work to understand the other person’s, you’re in a much better position to coexist peacefully and have deeper connections. Difficult conversations before resentment happens are always easier and more impactful.

You’re welcome. I just saved you from the worst two-day conference ever.

You’re Going to Have to Start Over. A Lot.

I’m going to keep this one short and sweet. A lot of things crash and burn. A lot of things you think you really want, you’ll find you really don’t. And that’s okay. It’s your life and you don’t owe anyone (not your parents, not your bosses, not your college professors) anything when it comes to living right for you. And be ready for things to change a lot in the coming years. How are you going to find out what you really like if you try all the shit you really don’t like, too? Exactly.

Don’t worry, kid, it’ll be fun. Buckle in and get the most out of all the new shit you’ll be experiencing.

It’s A Short Ride

Here comes the guilt trip. 

I’m not saying it’s a short ride just because you lost two grandparents in the same year, but I’m saying it’s a short ride because you lost two grandparents in the same year last year. Awful shit happens, my love, and the people you’ve relied on to always be there will someday…not be there. Love your people and love them hard and don’t wait until you’re saying goodbye to say the shit you need to say. Say it often if you can.

I’m also saying it’s a short trip because I’m living through the very realization that 18-to-40s with a family, a mortgage and a life full of hard-earned lessons and wisdom happens like THAT.

Enjoy the shit out of every single day, every single chapter and every single fork in the ride. One day, you’ll be sending your own oldest child to college and scrambling to arm them with every last bit of love and wisdom you can, and my sweet boy, just know it’s going to hit you so hard right in the goddamn heart. 

So here we go. You in all your artistic, soft-hearted glory out in the wide world ready to find adventure and experiences just like we all did. And just like we all did, you’ll fuck around and find out the hard way sometimes. But sometimes you’ll totally rock it. 

I’m proud of you either way and can’t wait to cheer you on.

On a final note, when you get out in the world and it really pisses you off and you’re looking at your parents like we had something to do with it, I just want you to pocket this gem from Billy Joel: “...we didn’t start the fire…it was always burning since the world’s been turning…”

Don’t blame us, my man. We just rolled with the shit we were dealt and so will you. It’s tradition. 

With all my love and all my faith in the world that you’re in for the ride of your life…

I love you, I love you, I love you.

me.